A week at the gym

[Lizzy]

ONE MAN'S STORY...
 
  This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
 
  Dear Diary:
 
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
 
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my school football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
 
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
 
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
 
  MONDAY:
 
Started my day at 6 am.
 
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
 
Woo Hoo!!!!!
 
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
 
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
 
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
   
TUESDAY:
   
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
 
     I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
 
     WEDNESDAY:
 
  The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members.
 
    Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
 
    My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
 
    She said some other sh*t too.
   
THURSDAY:
   
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
     
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
     
FRIDAY:
       
I hate that b *** h Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading b ***h. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
 
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
     
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
         
SATURDAY:
       
  Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
         
SUNDAY:
       
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other b ***h), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a vasectomy.